Reflections In the Face of Death

By far, the most humbling experiences I have had since starting my ministry at Trinity eight months ago have been hospital visitations. One day a week, I visit our members who are in area hospitals. Some folks are sick, some are having babies, some are dying, and some are healing. But all of them have one thing in common- the desire for God's peace in their lives.

Naturally, folks do want to feel better and move on with their lives- that's why hospitals exist and praise God for that gift. But hospitals can be scary places (and by that token, let me note that I have a newfound respect for medical personnel), and patients usually desire something that medicine cannot offer. When one is in the hospital, with doctors and nurses running around, machines beeping, and uncertainty everywhere, anything to take a bit of fear away is welcome. And it is my hope that God uses me on those visits to spread God's peace in places of darkness.

Of course, I would appreciate if he could save some of that peace for me. Sometimes hospital visits frighten me. Before entering seminary, I had been into a hospital room three times in my life- and one of those was when I was born. So I've been able to keep a comfortable distance from those places where death is only inches or minutes away. But since I have begun to visit folks in the hospital, I have had to, for the first time in my life, face questions that truly put my own life into perspective- questions about the relative brevity of my time on this earth and my true purpose. As I see persons in their 80s and 90s fight for every last breath, I begin realize that, yes- believe it or not in my young age, I will be in that spot one day (if I'm lucky). I suppose the thought had crossed my mind before, but standing beside someone experiencing that sort of suffering really brings home the reality of that part of my future.

In these moments my mind races to find meaning and the proper perspective in life. Lines from Ecclesiastes rush into my head: "to dust you shall return", "all is vanity", and "chasing after the wind"; my aspirations of climbing up the ecclesial ladder crash down; and dreams of title and respect fade to vapor. I begin to wonder about the grander metaphysical aspects to life and the soul: Is life just a blossoming and subsequent decay? Is there really an eternal soul? Come on, really?

While some of these thoughts sound morbid and contrary to what I will actually affirm about Christian doctine concerning the soul. But I think they are just the kind of ideas and questions that Christians- especially young folks like myself who turn a blind eye to the reality of death- need to consider. So what if I get a promotion and a little more respect? So what if I've got a fat bank account and a house in the Bahamas? Where is God really calling me to be? I think that if we can really wrestle with the reality of death and be present with those suffering and dying, we can start to view life as the act of grace that it is, and we can then begin to appreciate and be joyful over the claims of resurrection and new life. That, to me, is the start of true peace.